Steam Sale Review: Painkiller

Once or twice a week I glance guiltily at this blog on my favourites list. I then do something else. I just really don't care about finishing up all the posts I have already promised. They are what I was thinking about months ago, I no longer care or remember enough to do anything about them.

But not tonight, because I'm reviewing:


Remember first person shooters like Doom? Where it was basically you mowing down hordes and plot was something to fill the back of the box? For everyone who misses those days Painkiller is the game for you.

It is not the game for me.

I'm not going to bother mentioning story or actual characters; Painkiller makes Braid look like an epic legend written by both Shakespeare and Tolkien.

Gameplay consists of you entering a room/area, killing every single present enemy, somewhere new opening up, continue previous steps until the level ends.There aren't many guns but they each have alternate fire and deserve special mention that the story's characters don't.
-The starting weapon doubles as your melee option and the crappy infinite ammo gun. It has several tricks up its sleeve, none of which I bothered to learn;
-The shotgun is your bread and butter gun. Its effectiveness is second only to its mundaneness. The alt fire is a single target freeze shot because shut up that's why;
-Next is the parabolic projectile weapon. It shoots stakes or grenades, and functions as crude sniper till you get something better (you don't);
-After that is a gun that mixes two of the most powerful stock weapons together: a rocket launcher and minigun.Somehow this gun still manages to be very underwhelming;
-Lastly there's the infamous gun that shoots shurikens and lightning. I couldn't determine the use for this gun apart from giving the internet a boner. The minigun was better than the shurikens and the shotgun was better than the lightning.

What's great about this game is the diversity of both the locations and the enemies. One level you are in a castle, the next a military base, then mass graveyard. Monsters might be hellhounds, undead WW1 soldiers, or demonic children. The only problem with this is that there is no clever unifying themes behind this, and no real difference gameplay features, just different skins and stats.

There is one flaw in Painkiller that overshadows EVERYTHING else. The game is repetitive. After the first few levels you have already experienced everything the game has to offer aside from higher difficulties and other visuals. Painkiller can't even be called a grind because that implies you make some sort of progress.
This was the only game of the ten I did not finish. I got to the second last boss, was killed several times, and decided that I didn't care enough to continue on. Painkiller is the sort of game that makes me wish I could delete stuff permanently from Steam. I don't like sitting in the same list as stuff like Portal, World of Goo, or Vampire: the Masquerade - Bloodlines.

In the end the only redeeming thing I can say about Painkiller is that it gives you the opportunity to shoot children in an orphanage, because how often do you get to do that?

Tuesday Night, Not Feeling Tired

One thing I'm sick of doing is explaining the difference between a twist and a swerve/surprise/asspull. And hearing people mention that stupid Robot Chicken sketch whenever this topic comes up.

Here's a satisfying explanation about what a twist:

That’s the frustrating thing about the game’s twist: it’s the worst kind. In a good twist the audience is led, by artful storytelling, to an incorrect conclusion that makes perfect sense given the facts available. But then, after the twist has been revealed, and they know the truth, all of those facts take on a second, deeper meaning. On subsequent readings the story plays entirely different, as the characters dialogue, thoughts, and actions make sense in multiple ways at once. This wasn’t one of those twists.

If the level of quality didn't give it away, the previous part was by someone else. It is an extract from a rather snarky but good look at Heavy Rain's apparently numerous plot holes, which is a good read for anyone who enjoys popular things being torn apart and criticised. Since you are reading my blog, I would assume that means you. Go now.

Steam Sale Review: Torchlight

Remember when I had a blog? Me neither.
Also I think I've made that joke before.
What is our feature presentation tonight? Why it's the third last game on the the list,


As I said way back in that fantasy time known as 2009, Torchlight was made by some of the people who worked on Diablo 2 and has more than a passing resemblance to it. It would not be unfair to say that Torchlight is really just Diablo 2.5.
Actually that is a little unfair to Diablo 2.

The gameplay is basically the same as it's spiritual predecessor, but with improvements to the formula: spells are hotkeyed in a better fashion, you don't have to manually pick up gold, dropped items can display their names constantly.
Visually Torchlight is for the lack of a better word, cartoony, in a style similar to Warcraft 3 or WoW. Effects are bright and colourful, and spells hit with a level of 'oomph' scientists have determined as satisfying.
So if you like D2's gameplay but want to play something more modern Torchlight is a decent choice, at least until D3 comes out sometime near/distant/apocalyptic future.

But if you want something more than repetitive combat and gear collection, then Torchlight ain't so great.
The story and general setting leave much to be desired. Evil monsters in near endless labyrinth beneath town, murderise them, profit. It's basically D1 but without the morbid atmosphere and sidequests.
A minor but frequent annoyance is the physics involving stairs and projectiles. Torchlight has 3d environments that for the most part function fine until you have to interact with a non-level plane. Once that happens your character will shoot at the stairs in front of him rather than the monster upon them. As I said this is minor, but it is frustrating when you realise that D2 (a 2d game faking 3d) handled this better.

It's been a while since I finished Torchlight so there's probably something I've left out but it really doesn't matter. The game is very mediocre. There's nothing gamebreakingly wrong with it, but there's nothing that makes it jump out and say 'play me'. The most enjoyment gleamed I out of it was the initial nostalgia for D 1 and 2.